On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti