On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.