On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
This is amazing.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me