ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”