@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

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@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@TheIronSherk

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

@Smooheed

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@warmyellowlight

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

@seamussaid

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

@Triballistix

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

@Maxine12333

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@flinnie

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?