On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.