@Beerhaze If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
@Nickadoo On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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@Beerhaze 
@NoTheOtherJohn *doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
@TheIronSherk If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
@Smooheed Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
@BrdnHatesYou A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
@warmyellowlight at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
@seamussaid “you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
@Triballistix *notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
@Maxine12333 Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
@flinnie What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?