On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
You Might Also Like
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
how to have an accident 101
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.