On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what