[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Breaking news:
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.