On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
when nothing goes right… go left
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
the Monday after daylight savings
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”