Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?