On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
uncle dave has been through hell
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..