On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
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My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants