On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
gentlemen, hear me out
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
