[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
what could possibly go wrong?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly