Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are