Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
You Might Also Like
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.