Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”