Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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asked my bf how work was today
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
✌️
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.