Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

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INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.


It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.


I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.


Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…


You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

And also a fork.


Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!


*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells


One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.