Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
happy valentine’s day to me
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”