@AllanForsyth
@MatCro [doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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@MatCro 
@PeachCoffin A flock of dads is called a grill.
@GetCougarized I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
@mattZillaaaa It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
@GraniteDhuine I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
@djdarrellripley Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
@Lisa_Laughs_ You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
@djdarrellripley Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
@GrantTanaka *races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
@TheNardvark One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.