@AllanForsyth

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

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@MatCro

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

@GetCougarized

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@GraniteDhuine

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

@djdarrellripley

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

@Lisa_Laughs_

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

@GrantTanaka

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.