Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
But wait…
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”