Once again not all heroes wear capes
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane