Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.