once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head