Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]