Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers