Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I found your tweet-up…
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”