Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
No way!
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What