Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
i meant to share this earlier
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”