Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.