Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.