Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too