Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
wow
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.