Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
podcasts
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My friend is an excellent librarian.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…