Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate