Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
You Might Also Like
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Aight bet
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.