Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?