Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Hey I worked for it too!
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Hero horse inspires millions
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.