Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
WTF IS THAT!
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.