Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.