Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
NASA has no chill
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?