Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
these two trucks have the same bed length
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Stop.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself