Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Breaking news:
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn