Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car