Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

selena gomez

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Home is where your toilet is.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Have a lovely day 😊

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him