Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy