Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*