Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
You Might Also Like
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
A woman drives into a bar.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers