Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
These aliens are taking forever.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
asking santa clause for nudes
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*