Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
pizza
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)