Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.