Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Fight
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]