Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy