Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Smooooooth
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Thursday Thought.